The Catch

It happened last night. We were all in the kitchen whe I saw it. It was one of those things that's like a cross between a cricket and a spider. We call them hoppies around here. The wife screams as she sees it hopping towards her and the baby. Folks I'm not gonna lie to you, I was in the glasses. For those of you who know me, know that is no good. Anyway, in move not seen since the Immaculate Rception I reach backwards between my legs and snag him. Wife and baby are safe, I strut around until it is time to change the next diaper. All in a days work.

Family Portrait

So I'm running out of actual pictures and things to say already. Stupid blog.

The Move

Not for the faint of heart

http://http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html

Sometimes the link doesn't work. Try typing it it on your own. You'll thank me later

More pictures

Roots

So I have too much time on my hands. Can you tell?

Some observations

<----You don't know how hard it is to find a picture of an organ grinding monkey.











<---A key member of our household now








Here's a few examples of how my thoughts progressed during pregnancy.
Beginning- I hope he's the best football player ever.
End- I don't care if he plays soccer as long as he's healthy. He better be the goalie though.

I have a new slogan to replace "There are no atheists in a foxhole" with "There are no atheists fathers to be." God sent me an e-mail the other day and he said I'm prayed up until 2015 after one night of labor.

You can believe what you want, but I know for a fact God let us avoid having to go through a C-section. The doctor wanted to schedule a C-section for 0530 because there was absolutely no progress, next thing you know we have a baby.

Another progression for you
Before we found out Jessica was going into labor
"Lord don't let me pass gas in front of this nurse while I'm sitting on this wooden chair you know how they echo. You remember what happened to Mike at the library that one time."
After
"Lord just give me a healthy baby."

I think I slept for a total of 45 minutes in a 40 hour span. That is no good for holding new borns. There were a few times I was holding Brendan when I there were some fontanels in danger.

For those of you without kids, there's nothing like the first time you see a kids first dirty diaper. It looks like someone put a Midnight (It could be a color. You don't know.) crayon in the microwave.

I think I will start saying Jessica went into labour. It will sound the same, but I'll know, oh yes I'll know. The organ grinder monkey will also be in on this one. Do me a favour and put me out of my misery.

Baby on his way

What follows is a sleep deprived, stress induced memory of Brendan's journey. The times are probably off, but who cares you nitpicker?

So here's how it all went down. I was about to leave for work on Monday when Jessica walked in and sat down. This may not seem that out of the ordinary, but it was 4 o'clock in the morning. So we decided to head onto the hospital and check things out. We were both skeptical, but we figured better safe than sorry.
0530
So we get to the hospital and the nurse says "Oh there's nothing going on here".

0730
Then comes the shift change and the next nurse decides to get the doctor. He comes in and told us that Jessica was in labor. There's a rumor that I was speechless, but that sounds made up.

0830
decision time here. Doc says you are in labor, but it's going to be awhile. The options are
1. Stay and get this baby going (pun intended)
2. Come back later tonight and see where things are
3. Come back in the morning
Jessica weighs her options, thinks about how much being pregnant sucks and decides to get started. I decide to be supportive by sweating profusely. Doc has a few other things going on so he will be back later to break her water.

1030
Little tour of the room for you. Bunch of crap I can't figure out. Especially this futon. Some rude father to be has left it in the bed position, while I want it in the couch position. Lift, pull, cuss. Repeat. Still nothing. Decide to sit on stool. Jessica is not amused with stool sample jokes. I laugh to myself as usual.

1100
Water is breaking, no going back now (I checked into it). So we get settled in the doc gets her some pitocin to increase the contractions and Jessica and I act like we know what the monitors mean. I even talk trash about the lady next door. "Hah look at her. She's hardly contracting at all." This from a guy who had peanut butter on his face for about 10 minutes that very morning. From then on out we play the waiting game and we begin our respective hospital diets. Jessica's diet consists of medicine, ice chips, pain, and discomfort. I am dining on bad coffee, vending machine crappola, fidgeting, and pacing. It's delicious. By the way, we brought so much crap that it looks like we plan on staying for weeks. It feels like we've already been there for a month.

1200
We had preordered an epidural in the spring so it was half priced. We decide to put it into effect early. The doctor who gives the epidural is a possible pedophile, but he knows how to stick needles into backs so we like him. We also like when he leaves.
Little known fact alert- Epidural is a Greek word meaning "I would like to be paralyzed from the waist down. Thank you."

1205
Jessica asks if you can buy stock in epidurals

1230
I have to lean Jessica's legs together for her so she can bend her legs. Very weird.

1300
Contractions are still not as strong as they need to be to to get the party started. I continue to nod my head when doctors and nurses explain what's going on. As I nod, a monkey with an organ grinder is the only thing going through my head. I smile.

1400
Only thing going on is Jessica is feeling sick and has the chills. Nothing is fun. Even the organ grinding monkey.

1500-1700

Nothing much going on, baby or otherwise.

1700
Parents arrive and allow me to go to the cafeteria. If you ever have 4 dollars and you happen to be at Huntsville Hospital, are waiting on a baby, and have no tastebuds you can get a slice of pepperoni flavored shoe leather and a 20 ounce cup of hot dirt. Take my advice and just get the crackers. They are the best thing on the menu and they're free!

1730
Back in the room. I'm thinking of remodeling

1745
Doctor checks on progress, still nothing going on.

1925
New nurse, new check of progress, same result. No more trash talking about neighbor, we are in the same boat.

2200
Nothing to report except I have now received my medical degree and will be delivering this baby.

2345
Oh crap, epidural wearing off.

0030
Pain

0035
Misery

0040
Locusts

0045
Floods

0050
Snacks!

0055
Gnashing of teeth

0100
New pain doctor. Appears to be a man who you would let around your children. Works his magic.

0101
Jessica wants to name baby after Dr. Epidural.

0230
On a whim, nurse decides to do a routine check. She says there is something going on. I laugh to myself while repeating, "So you're saying there's a chance." Dumb and Dumber never steers you wrong.

0400
Jessica feels a little funny. Call the nurse in for a check. Nurse says, "Oh my gosh don't even sneeze or cough or anything, I'm going to get the doctor!" She does not believe that I have gotten my degree, so we decide to let the first doctor handle it. The nurse said something about me shutting up. I wasn't really paying attention.My legs feel like I've just gotten an epidural. I prop them up just like I did for Jessica's. I'm very good at it and make a note to see how the leg propping job market looks.

0420
The action has started and I am once again a key component in the birthing process. Without me standing there drooling, Jessica might still be in labor.

0443
We have what experts are calling the world's cutest baby. Look it up if you don't believe me. Brendan Riley Martin is in the house.

0443 and 30 seconds
Brendan makes his first statement of his young life by peeing on the male nurse.

That's pretty much how it all happened. Let the fun begin.

Getting started

<----A hot lady and a lucky man
<----Bad boys in bad lighting

Well I've got a blog now so I guess I'm pretty much a genius. I've also got a son now and he's the main reason for starting this blog, but I'm just exploding with boring stuff that I want other people to know about too. Such as, our dog

<-------Lance





is asleep under a pair of Mr. Potato Head boxers as I type this. That's the type of hard hitting stuff you will be getting here. I'm just figuring out how to work this stuff so stick with me. You will laugh, you'll cry, and you may learn the ancient martial art of origami, so stay tuned.